[Translation] TGCF Extra - Chapter 250: The Demon King’s Bed Time Story

I’m translating the Tian Guan Ci Fu / Heaven Official’s Blessings extras for some friends + people on the TGCF discord! 

This is the first one I’ve finished, a.k.a. the HuaLian RPS extra. :D;;

Spoiler warnings for: the ghost bride arc, and the start of the banyue arc in book 1

Please credit if using (@erushi on twitter / tumblr). Do not repost.


[TGCF Extra - Chapter 250]

The Demon King’s Bedtime Story - Reading Material for Children

Hua Cheng was ill.

Although it was a small illness, but the fact that a demon king could actually fall ill, was very curious and unexpected.

As such, when Xie Lian returned to Qiandeng Temple, and went to check on Hua Cheng’s handwriting practice as usual, but instead saw that Hua Cheng’s face was slightly flushed, he was greatly worried.

After pressing Hua Cheng down on the altar – yup, just the other day, they both had a round on this wide and spacious altar; after all, there weren’t any [god] statues – Xie Lian reached out a hand, and after checking his cheeks and forehead, grew even more worried: “That’s really hot.”

Hua Cheng smiled and said, “I naturally get hot when I see gege, and when gege touches me I get even hotter.”

XL found himself at a loss, be he hurriedly pretended that he was in red in the face from exasperation, saying, “Your mouth is still so dishonest even when you’re ill.”

Hua Cheng innocently replied, “What did I say? I’m super honest. Gege, don’t be worried, it’s a small thing, no big deal.”

But Xie Lian could hear how Hua Cheng’s voice was lower and more hoarse than usual, and a small crease appeared between his brows as he said, “Then you should rest properly. I’ll accompany you here for these few days, until you get better.”

Saying that, he took the pen-brush, ink, paper and sand which Hua Cheng had been using for his writing practice and brought them beside the altar. Hua Cheng patted the place beside him, saying, “Won’t gege join me on the altar?”

Once he got onto the altar, he could forget about any rest for these few days. Xie Lian tactfully said, “I’d best not, my San Lang has overexerted himself already.”

Hua Cheng said laughingly, “Nonsense, if it’s gege, why should San Lang fear overexertion?”

Xie LIan decided not to play along with him anymore, and concentrated on writing out practice lines [for Hua Cheng to copy]. Hua Cheng turned his body around, propped his cheek on a hand, and stared at Xie Lian’s face.

No matter how many times this happened, XIe Lian would always start blushing beneath his gaze. He said uncomfortably, “…… San Lang, look at the practice lines, not at me.”

Hua Cheng sighed and said, “Gege, to be frank, my head hurts the moment I look at this trifle, but because it’s written by gege, I can’t bear not to look. Who knows, maybe this illness was caused by looking at too many practice lines.”

Xie Lian said, “Since when was there such an illness.”

Hua Cheng laughingly said, “How about I look at gege instead, gege looks so much better than these practice lines, who knows, maybe if I look [at gege] more, I would recover.”

Xie Lian found himself at a loss and yet wanting laugh, and he put down his pen-brush, shaking his head as he said, “Why are you even more fond of talking nonsense these days… nothing proper comes out of your mouth. Alright, I get it, I’ll listen to you. Instead of looking at the practice lines, what should we do?”

Hua Cheng said, “Actually we don’t have to do anything, I just want you to accompany me, it won’t be long before I get better.”

Xie Lian touched his forehead again. Although this person had a manly, handsome face, but the way he was acting cute and spoiled now, made Xie Lian think of a little child who buried himself beneath a warm nest of blankets in winter and peeked out with a red face, making the heart feel very fond. After thinking for a bit, he said, “How about this: just as well, I picked up this thing today.”

He reached into his sleeves, and fished out something, saying, “This a an old, no longer wanted book I collected today, which I was about to read. Let me read you a story.”

In his hands was a very old and small book, tattered, its pages yellowed, with the curious scent of books and ink. It must have been flipped through countless of times.

But Hua Cheng said, “I don’t want to listen.”

Xie Lian asked curiously, “Why?”

Hua Cheng lazily replied, “After all no matter how you spin it, it’s all stories about the other heaven officials, and I’m all too clear about their their useless and irrelevant doings. It’s already nothing worth listening to, why should I trouble gege to specially read them to me?”

That was true too. After all Hua Cheng was the man who best grasped the black history of the three realms [tn: ghost, human, heaven]. Hua Cheng said, “If gege must read something to me, why not tell me something else? Like, a story about you.”

Xie Lian smiled, saying, “Of my affairs, is there anyone else beside you who is more clear about them, or who has seen more than you?”

Hua Cheng said, “Then tell me again. I want to listen. It will never be enough no matter how much I listen.”

Xie Lian knew that Hua Cheng meant what he was saying, and he carefully combed the hair by Hua Cheng’s cheek. He gave a casual glance [at the book], and suddenly exclaimed, “San Lang, this book seems to be written about you and me.”

“What?”

Xie Lian flipped through the book again, saying, “Really. There are lots of references to a “great ghost king in red robes” and a “rag & bone immortal”. Aren’t these you and me?”

Hua Cheng also seemed interested, saying, “Oh? What’s written?”

Xie Lian was also very curious why the people would have spun a story of him and Hua Cheng, and so he opened the collection of stories, and began to read it to Hua Cheng, “Once upon a very long time ago, there was a great ghost king who loved to wear red robes. Although the great ghost king was very powerful, and had accumulated a few mountains of gold and silver, but he was very unhappy. This was because he was very lonely, and greatly wished for a wife of his own…”

“……”

Xie Lian gave a puff of laughter, not quite able to continue reading, saying, “A lonely ghost king waiting in an empty nest…… hahaha……hahahaha……”

Hua Cheng raised a brow, saying, “That’s not wrong. At that time gege was not around, and I was very lonely.”

XIe LIan’s face heated, and he continued to read on.

Once upon a very long time, there was a great ghost king who only loved to wear red robes. Although the great ghost king was very powerful, and had accumulated a few mountains of gold and silver, and had more money than he could spend, but he was very unhappy. This was because he was very lonely, and greatly wished for a wife of is own.

But he waited for a few hundred years and still he did not meet his heart’s beloved. So, he consulted an old immortal who was greatly skilled at calculating fortunes, where is my wife?

The old immortal told him, “You will meet the person you are waiting for on a mountain. Your wife will be dressed in bridal clothes, and be brought to marry you on a wedding sedan.”

The great ghost king was determined to find his wife, and so he went to that mountain, where he waited patiently.

In the meantime, somewhere very far away, there was a rag & bone immortal.

The immortal collected rag & bone scraps, and as such he was the poorest amongst the heaven officials, poorer even than most mortals.

But although he was very poor, but he was very kind. One day, on his way back from collecting scraps, he saw a maiden crying by the roadside, and asked her, “Maiden, what is it that has made you so upset?”

The maiden cried as she said, “I am to marry, but on the day of my wedding I will need to cross a mountain, and on the mountain lives a ghost groom, who snatches brides who are passing by. Only a few have been rescued. I will be snatched away and killed!”

The rag & bone immortal felt great sympathy for her, and also being determined to help the people get rid of harm, decided to take the bride’s place in the wedding procession, and kill the monster.

The rag & bone immortal had two friends. Because one of them was irritable, and one of them was very petty, so let’s differentiate them by calling the irritable immortal and the petty immortal. While bickering with each other, they also told the rag & bone immortal, “That ghost groom must be a great ghost king, with a terrible temperament, and also very crafty, with the greatest dislike for gods and immortals. If he catches you, he will definitely eat you!”

But the immortal insisted on going, and so, they made a sedan for the immortal. On the day which the wedding procession was to set off, the immortal wore a set of beautiful bridal robes which he had borrowed the Lady Feng Shi [tn: Wind Master], and disguised as the bride, sat in the sedan chair, and was carried up the mountain by the pair of bickering friends.

In the pitch darkness of the night, a ghostly wind blew, and as the sedan was carried up the mountain, not a single person was in sight. The immortal waited and waited, until finally the groom he was waiting for to receive him, arrived,

Raising his veil to look, the immortal discovered to his surprise, that the great ghost king was unexpectedly an extremely handsome youth.

And what made him even more surprised, was that the youthful groom was very courteous, and seemed as though he had good upbringing, warm and gentle and caring. He did not shed his human facade to reveal a ghastly [green-faced and sharp-toothed] “true face”, and nor did he force him to do anything bad. Indeed, he was hardly like the terrifying, great ghost king of legend.

The mountain was very large, and the great ghost king took the immortal to his lair, saying to him, “From now on, I am your husband, and you are my beloved wife. This entire mountain belongs to me, and now belongs to you too, you can go anywhere you want to explore. But remember, at the back of the mountain there are two houses, which you must never go to.”

The immortal asked, “Why?”

The ghost king who was the groom replied, “That is my secret, you don’t need to know. But, even if you want to go there you also won’t be able to, because I have erected barriers before those two houses, and you must have something from my body in order to pass through the barriers.”

The immortal continued to ask, “What things?”

The ghost king answered, “One of the houses holds dirty rubbish, and you must use something from my body that can be touched, and a lot of it, in order to open the barrier; one of the houses holds a powerful magical treasure, and you must use something from my body that can’t be touched, but which is very hot, in order to open the barrier.”

Of course the immortal did not listen to him. Although he pretended to be very obedient when in front of the great ghost king, but the moment the ghost king was away, he sneakily flew to the back of the mountain. Indeed, as expected, from the house that held dirty rubbish, came terrifying screams and calls for help.

The immortal suspected that the missing brides were all imprisoned in there, and so, he was determined to steal something from the great ghost king’s body, to open up the mystery house.

But, what could he steal?

The great ghost king had a head of crow-black and lustrous hair, that he sometimes left loose, and that he sometimes tied up crookedly. The first plan which the immortal thought of, was to steal a few strands of hair every day. As such, he asked, “Please, may we live together in the same home?”

His groom said very courteously, “Of course we may. We are husband and wife after all.”

And so, this way, they moved in together into the same room. But even though they slept in the same bed, the immortal refused to let the groom remove his clothes, and so, the great ghost king graciously refrained from touching him.

But, as the immortal discovered very quickly, not a hair did his groom shed. No matter that he helped him comb his hair every morning everyday, or while sleeping at night, on the pillow, the bed, the floor, the comb - none of them had a strand of hair!

This was frustrating. The immortal took hold of a sword, and thought of waiting for the great ghost king to fall asleep before using the opportunity to cut off a lock of hair. But the great ghost king was very watchful, and the moment he drew close, the great ghost king opened his eyes. But although the immortal was caught red-handed, he remained very calm. To prevent the great ghost king from becoming suspicious of him, he immediately cut off a lock of his own hair and gave it to him.

Receiving it, the great ghost king was very happily.

Very soon, the quick-witted immortal thought of another plan. He said to the great ghost king, “Please, may I kiss you?”

His groom said, pleased, “Of course you may, we are husband and wife after all.”

And hence, the immortal took the initiative to embrace the ghost groom, and kissed him for a long time with great might, before finally tasting a tiny bit of the ghost groom’s flavour, and he hurriedly closed his mouth and ran to the back of the mountain.

But after he arrived, he discovered that this still not did not work. This was because he needed lots and lots of that something, and what he had was not enough. He still could not enter the house, he could only stick his head in, but his body had no way of entering.

The rag & bone immortal felt a little despondent. He had originally thought that it would be simple to steal something from the great ghost king’s body, and never thought that it would be this hard.

He remembered his good friend, Lady Feng Shi, and so paid a visit to FengShui Temple [tn: Wind Water Temple], where he asked, “What else can I do to get something from the great ghost king’s body that can be touched, and a lot of it too?”

Lady FengShi said, “Dai! [tn: like an exclamation] That’s too simple. Take on a female appearance, and consummate the marriage [tn: lit. enter the marriage chamber], and you’ll have it!”

The immortal shook his head frantically. His immortal cultivation method had a rule, that once he lost his virginity, his powers would suffer a great damage. How could he go with this plan?

At this moment, Lord Shui Shi [tn: Water Master] returned, and having heard what the Lady had said, angrily shouted, “Outrageous! How could you say something so immoral!”

Once Lord Shui Shi was angry, he would use money to club people to death, and so the rag & bone immortal hurriedly fled. As he ran, he thought of his other two very good friends, the irritable immortal and the petty immortal, and so he looked for them and asked them what he ought to do.

The irritable immortal and the petty immortal were again bickering, and as they bickered they told him some bad news: because too many people had been snatched away, the heaven officials were about to attack the mountain, and apprehend the great ghost king!

The immortal was greatly shocked, and began to worry. By now he had discovered that this youthful ghost king would not do anything bad, and thought perhaps there was some sort of misunderstanding, or maybe what was locked away at the back of the mountain was not those brides, but something else.

However, because the rag & bone immortal was very poor, he also had no influence, and no one listened to him. The immortal was very anxious. If he did not discover the truth soon, then the great ghost king might be surrounded and attacked by the heaven officials.

Left without any other option, the immortal could only run back to the great ghost king to ask, “Please, could you consummate our marriage with me?”

His groom beamed as he said, “Ah, of course I can. We are husband and wife after all.”

And so, the rag & bone immortal and the great ghost king consummated their marriage.

Midway, the immortal was afraid that the great ghost king would not leave him with a lot of that very important thing, and so embraced the great ghost king tightly as he cried, “Can you give all of it to me? And give it to me a few times?”

His groom warmly and gently said, “If that’s what you wish.”

The immortal answered, “I do…”

And so, the quick-witted immortal had his wish and obtained the thing which he had been looking for. Something from the great ghost king’s body that could be touched, and lots and lots of that thing.

The next day, the immortal took the thing which he had spent all night begging from the great ghost king, to the house in which hid the dirty rubbish. This time, he could finally enter.

Once he opened the entrance, the immortal discovered many corpses all messily strewn about, and some of them even decomposed to white bone!

These corpses were all dressed in wedding garments, and unfortunately appeared to be the missing brides. His hopes dashed, the immortal was shocked and upset. He looked back, and suddenly discovered that, at some time unbeknownst to him, someone stood behind him - unexpectedly, at some time unbeknownst to him, the great ghost king was standing there!

The immortal had a great shock. He recalled what the irritable immortal and the petty immortal had told him, that the great ghost king was extremely crafty, and also greatly disliked gods and immortals. He was now at his wit’s end. Could it be that the great ghost king had in actual fact long since seen through him, and had been stringing him along all this while?

Angry and hurt, the immortal began to flee, running faster and faster. But, who knew, he could not run out [of the house]. It turned out that he had run too fast, and the thing which the great ghost king had given him, had fallen out, and so he was again blocked by the barrier in front of the house.

The great ghost king caught up and, embracing the immortal in one swift move, finally explained what was going on.

It turned out, the great ghost king was not abducting people to eat them, he was just waiting here for his fated person. One day, a wedding procession accidentally bumped into him while he was out on a stroll, and the groom in the procession was so frightened that he himself fled, abandoning his bride who sat on the spot crying.

The great ghost king was not looking for trouble. The bride said that she did not wish to marry such a man, and so did not go back, but left on her own. Later on, after he encountered a few other similar events, the great ghost king decided that he may as well, while waiting, also start testing the newly-weds. If the groom dared to risk himself to protect his bride when faced with ghosts and ghouls, the great ghost king would not cause difficulties for the couple, and let them go. But if the vile groom pushed his own bride to the ghouls in order to buy some time to escape, then the groom would be caught and imprisoned in this house.

Because these people were not right and moral in their hearts, they would often kill each other, in the end becoming white bones. These were the corpses which the immortal saw. As for their brides, some of them had since gone home, while others had escaped with their lovers to somewhere far away, wandering the world together, or safely setting up their own homes.

The great ghost king said, “I’ve been waiting for you for a few hundred years, gege, and I finally have you.”

Having resolved the misunderstanding, the two of them embraced each other. In order to leave the house, the great ghost king again gave the immortal lots and lots of his thing. But unexpectedly, and suddenly, there was a great rumbling noise from the sky. It turned out, the heaven officials, having feared the great ghost king for a long time, were seizing this opportunity, and finally starting their attack on him!

The rag & bone immortal rushed out and after a round of fierce battle, pushed back a ring of heaven officials. But the heaven officials had caused the mountain to collapse, trapping the great ghost king beneath the mountain.

The mountain was too tall, and the immortal, afraid that that the great ghost king would be crushed, desperately tried to use his shoulders to hold it up. Just at that moment, he suddenly recalled that there was still another mystery house which he had not yet opened, and surely the powerful magical treasure held in that house, could be used be used to push aside the great mountain. And so, he rushed into the mountain cave. Upon entering, he discovered to his huge delight, that the great ghost king was standing there safe and sound, and even stronger and more powerful at that!

The two of them broke out of the mountain, and together chased away the heaven officials who had been causing trouble. Finally, they sat shoulder to shoulder on the mountain top, and watched the cloud trails and stars left in the wake of the heaven officials as they fled.

The immortal asked, “Didn’t you say, the house which held the dirty rubbish needed something from your body that could be touched, and a lot of it, before it could be opened; while the house which held the magical treasures needed something from your body which could not be touched, but was very, very hot, before it could be opened?”

The great ghost king beamed as he said, “Yes. And that thing, isn’t it something which gege has had since very early on?””

The immortal finally understood. That thing, was the burning heat of the ghost king’s love for him.

And so, the rag & bone immortal and the great ghost king happily entered into the marriage chamber together, nevermore to part.

“……”

“……”

Having finished reading out the story, Xie Lian was still stupefied as he said, “What on earth was written? Doesn’t this story go overboard? No no no, this……”

What was this mess? How could it be called a story???

But Hua Cheng was already laughing so hard that he had collapsed on the daybed. Xie Lian said, in a puzzled manner, “It’s completely inaccurate! How did this story originale? Is it to do with what happened at Jun Shan [tn: Jun Mountain]? What happened wasn’t like this… Isn’t it completely distorted? Furthermore, is it really alright to let children read this sort of story? It’s too inappropriate. Who wrote this?? And all these characters who seem very familiar but are just a little off, what’s up with them……”

On a closer look, although the stories in this book appeared to be innocent romances at first glance, like something one might read to children as a bedtime story, but the contents were extremely spicy, so much so that it was even harder for someone to look one straight in the eye compared to simple erotica. But upon reading to the end, there was also a sort of curious and inexplicable feeling, causing Xie Lian suspect if the problem lay with himself.

Hua CHeng said, “Hn? But it’s not completely distorted. At least some points are correct. For example, I do indeed call gege, ‘gege’. Another example, at Jun Shan I did indeed go to receive gege’s bridal sedan. And another example, that night when we consummated, gege did indeed……”

Xie Lian had thought that, after all these years, he had cultivated a sufficiently thick skin, but who knew, a pink blush still frequently rose on his face when he was before Hua CHeng. He said, “How did they even know something like that! …… and, and besides those things, nothing else was correct……”

Although he knew that many blindly-spun folk stories were miles away from the original, and it was not odd for them to morph into goodness-knows-what after countless embellishments, but to see it with his very own eyes was still shocking to the extreme. There were many times in the middle where was too embarrassed to read on, but was forced by Hua Cheng to carry on reading to him. It made Xie Lian want to hit him, but at the same time he just could not bring himself to land a blow. Hua Cheng’s expression was still unfazed, as he said, “Clearly, someone in the know had let slip a few tiny details, and people strung them together, added a few details, and threw in some speculation, to arrive at this.”

Xie Lian tossed aside the collection of stories, saying, “Let’s not read such a messed up, pointless book anymore. Get some proper rest.”

But Hua Cheng brought his hands together and begged, “I think it’s well-written, and shows talent. When I listened to gege read the story I felt as though I was full of energy. Gege, please read another.”

Xie Lian refused flatly, “No.”

“Gege, my head hurts.”

“This……”

“Gege.”

“…… alright.”

It was after all rare for Hua Cheng to be ill, and given that Xie Lian was already usually giving in to Hua Cheng’s wishes and demands, how could he resist at this time?

Even if he was embarrassed, he just had to bear it. He once again picked up that yellowed little book, and lay down beside Hua Cheng. Hua Cheng wrapped his arms around Xie Lian’s waist, and Xie Lian steeled himself and continued to read on.

“Once upon a very long time ago, there was a handsome and young crown prince who was cultivating on a remote mountain. One night, he met a mysterious guest……”

The author has something to say:

Suddenly writing a crazy children’s story that only adults can read… no, what I originally wanted to write was not this sort of crazy thing…

Fafa, don’t be so content, forcing your idol to read out a shocking doujinshi of your OOC selves!